Accepting Solitude, Declining Loneliness

It has come to my attention these past few days that within the next few weeks here in India I am going to be forced into a season of loneliness. Those of you who know me, you know this is super difficult for me.

I am an extreme extrovert. I LOVE being around people. I thrive from positive interactions with other human beings. It could even be a total stranger and I’ll leave the conversation feeling more energized and re-focused on the purpose for my life. Almost like a breath of fresh air.

Today it hit me the hardest. I was still in bed when I got the text from one of my best friends asking if I wanted to join for lunch at a place literally 10 steps from my front gate.

Wow. Is all I can say. I had so much fun just sitting there talking for a bit, even with another dude I just met. After, friends came over to help me with a video project for a class I am in.

After laughing our hearts out because it was just too hard to try to stay concentrated, we finally finished the video. One friend left and another stayed to finish watching a movie he started on my phone

So, I did what anyone else would do. I napped. When the movie was over, my boyfriend had to leave immediately to go home. As he was leaving, he told me he couldn’t come back until probably next Monday.

That’s four days from now. YES, I can handle being away from him for that long. BUT, I basically broke down crying because I just knew that all my other friends would be busy between now and then also- thus I would be stranded in my little dorm/apartment style room. All. By. Myself.

After he left I texted some friends and asked if they had dinner plans. YEP. Everyone had plans. Cool. I thought. I hope they have fun. Looks like it’ll just be me and trusty Netflix tonight… at least I can try to finish my Netflix series sooner than I thought… those are good goals right?

After one episode my stomach was growling its way into another dimension. I didn’t want my leftover hillbilly vegetable pasta (derived from my mom’s hillbilly hamburger helper), so I packed my bag with my tablet and my wallet and I hit the road for Café Society– my usual when there is no one else to grab dinner with.

I sat there reading through some other WordPress blog posts and then it hit me. I can use this time of being alone as solitude, not a time of loneliness. I mean c’mon. Though, my cheesy boyfriend would say “But you’re not alone, God is always with you.”

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe God is doing this to me intentionally so that I will learn how to be alone– and learn to practice solitude. There are so many things I can do in this time that I wouldn’t be able to do if I were with people.

For example, I can focus more on my blog, or finishing the last few weeks of this semester. I can work on reading the two other novels I brought with me. I can focus on praying for the salvation of my friends and family. I can relax and watch Netflix or play Sims (okay you caught me, I’ve already been doing that).

These times of being alone don’t have to be a time of loneliness. They can be a prosperous, productive time of solitude leading to growth and independence. You may even gain guidance on what the next step of your life is (at least that is one thing I am hoping for).

Our dearest Apostle Paul reminds us to “make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5.16).

So friends, join me in making the most of the lonely time and accepting the growth that can take place in solitude.

 

Yours is the Victory

Do you ever do something where you aren’t really sure if you have the confidence to do it, but then when you actually do do it you are so darn proud of yourself? Not like a bragging kind of proud, but like a wow, I actually did it! kind of proud?

I mean, I’m talking that feeling were you are crazy nervous and anxious to do this one thing that you don’t even realize you are doing it. THAT kind of proud. The kind where you’re like woah.. did I seriously just do that?

Right now, I am sitting in Café Coffee Day (shocker that I’m in a coffee shop right?) with the leftover nerves and anxiety streaming through my veins. Or maybe that’s the chocolate ice cream and coffee I had for lunch about 30 minutes ago…

ANYWAYS. The point is, I did it. I accomplished a fear! I took a chance and stepped out of my comfort zone! You’re probably so excited for me right now… don’t you want to know what I did?? Okay… you talked me into it, I’ll tell you!

As you know from my previous posts, I am living in India right now. I was here before, but when I was here before I was scared to even walk to the grocery store alone. I don’t really know why. Maybe I was afraid I would get hit on, or just hit in general in attempts to cross the street in this crazy traffic.

But this time, I’m not as scared. I feel confident in walking to the grocery store, and even crossing the street. I think that it’s because of one thing and one thing only… OLA. Ola is like the cheap Uber of India (although they still have Uber). It’s just a simple app where no matter where I am, basically, I can get an auto or car ride for a decent price. WOW. Can you say life changer?

BUT here’s the thing folks. Ola is great, but not everyone uses it. In fact, while it is cheap to Indians even that can be pricey. Why would you take an Ola auto when you can take a Share auto for only 20 RS, or the bus for 15 RS.

This is the dilemma I am in. I have enough money to stay here for the rest of the time I have planned, if and only if, I live the Indian way. This means, it’s okay to walk or take the bus. That’s the problem. I don’t have the confidence to take the bus on my own… or at least didn’t.

I woke up on this humid and hazy Sunday morning at about 10:30AM. I’m a bad girl and didn’t go to church. Actual, I have a valid reason for that. I’ve been very sick and coughing up a storm, so I didn’t want to go to church and disturb the sermon every three seconds because I needed to clear my throat. I also thought it would be good for my body to catch up on some zzz’s.

So I woke up, took my cold shower, and went to lunch with another American bloke image_123986672that’s here. We went to one veg restaurant with a hankering for a Masala Dosa, but they weren’t serving them at the time. Naturally, we left and went to another veg restaurant, a little further away, to get our dosas. Only to find out this place didn’t serve dosas until after 4pm… hence the chocolate ice cream and coffee for lunch.

After we finished the food that we did end up getting we walked back to the main gate of the college. Across the street from the main gate is a bus stand and a share auto stand. My plan for the rest of the day was to get a share auto to Café Coffee Day and spend the day slaving over my computer and textbooks with a hot cup of Joe (yes, another cup of coffee).

I asked one Share auto if he was stopping in Sembekem, the place where Café Coffee Day was. He did the weird head bobble thing that I recognized as a big fat “no”. I started walking through the bus stand to get to the auto stand. Then, another auto drove up next to me, clearly seeing that I was just rejected, and asked where I was headed. I told him the location and he just laughed in my face and drove away.

COOL. I thought to myself. We continued to walk through the bus stand and there was a bus that said 95 on it waiting to take off. Without hesitation I walked to the front of the bus and through the window I asked the driver if the bus was stopping in Sembekem. He did the head bobble thing that I took to mean “yes”.

I was like see ya later Gary, I’m hopping on this bus and going to Coffee Day! So I did. I sat down and waited for the bus to leave and my mind was like what am I doing??!?!?!? I don’t even remember what the Sembekem stop looks like! I’m going to miss it and embarrass myself. I DO NOT have the confidence for this!!

When the conductor (is that what they are called? Or is that just for trains?) came and I paid, again without thinning I said, “Sir, can you tell me when we stop at Sembekem?” He rambled something in Tamil and I was like thanks man.

Sure enough, he mentioned to me when Sembekem was next. I even started to get off the bus before the bus was fully stopped! Okay cool, so I took the bus. No biggie right? Except for the fact that now I had to cross the street!

I took a deep breath, pulled up my big girl pants and just walked into the road. I waited for these slow as all get out bikes to pass and made my run for it. There were two bikes waiting at the median to turn, so I waited with them and as soon as there was an opening in the traffic I skedaddled my little legs as fast as I could across the street!

As I finished the short walk to Café Coffee Day it was like I had two little Jenny’s sitting on each shoulder. One was like who do you think you are young lady? You could have died! You could have gotten on the wrong bus! And the other was like I am Jenny Freaking Bushnell and I just conquered the only fear I have in India. I am victorious. And then a bike drove through a puddle next to me getting my feet soggy. (insert face palm emoji here –>).

Anyways, I know that was a long story for such a small punchline, but c’mon folks! If we don’t conquer our fears with confidence and poise, aren’t we letting the devil get the best of us? I could have very easily just taken and Ola auto back to my little place and end up losing my motivation to blog, or do any type of work, and just binge watch “The Good Wife” for the rest of the day.

But I didn’t! Because instead I said not today dear Satan. I walk with the blood of Christ covering me and I am victorious because of it! What is holding you back from conquering your little fears? Are you afraid to admit that you even have a little fear like I did? It’s OKAY! Just let it out and then stomp it out! You got this! Start living your best life today!

 

One and Done

Recently God reminded me of something very important.

If you have been following my blog/stories on here, you know that the past few months I have been praying for the Lord to grant me the desire of my heart to go back to the nation of India to serve in some way, shape, or form. You also know that the Lord provided in miraculous ways and here I am, writing this blog from the depths of my own place in my favorite country, my home away from home… literally.

Well, you see, it’s funny that we talk about how God answers prayer. I think there are so many times we focus on the prayers that God doesn’t answer. But I mean, come on, who else is actually thanking God that He didn’t answer the prayer for you and your high school sweetheart to get back together? (It’s okay to raise your hand).

But when we focus so much on these unanswered prayers, with or without the hidden blessing deep inside, when our prayers do get answered, we take it for granted.

Here’s what I mean… for the past three to four months I basically begged God for a few specific things. One of them being that I can come back to India. At first, I didn’t think it would work out, but then I realized how much God was asking me to sacrifice so that He could bless me and give me this desire. I actually hate using the word sacrifice because I feel like it makes me look like some type of hero or something, but I’m not. It was a choice. Something I wanted to do to deepen my relationship with God.

God pulled a few strings and provided for me, just like the Word says He would. He got me finances, got me an online job, got me a really nice (and affordable) place to stay, and showed me that my education isn’t the only important thing in my life. So, with my Visa approved and excitement in my heart, I bought my ticket back to India.

It’s been officially three weeks in India. And while I have been so grateful that God has provided me this opportunity, I have been a selfish and spoiled little brat about it. It’s like I said, “hey God, I got what I wanted catch ya on the flippity flip!” But God was like, “oh no ya don’t young one. You can’t do this on your own!”

That’s slang for I lost my online job and am freaking out about not having an income. You would think that if I had enough faith to hop on an airplane and move across the globe for seven months that I would have enough faith that God would provide me with another source of income. But no. My human self actually got mad at God. Crazy right? Like who do I think I am?

I blamed God. I asked Him why He gave me this job and then took it away. Why did He open these doors and now I feel like they are slowly closing. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But honestly, the Lord dropped a big heavy revy (revelation) on me when I was actually attempting to lash out at God for letting this “failure” happen in my life.

I was reminded of the image of God as our Father. I thought immediately of earthly fathers. What do they do? They provide. They care. They make sure you are safe and have everything you need. So, I picked up the phone and called my dad and asked him for $1,000… kidding. I wish I could do that.

What actually happened was the Lord continued to show me that just like an earthly father doesn’t just provide for you once and then he’s done, but he must continuously provide for you. God the Father is the same way. He is not a one and done kind of God and never will He be one because He is an eternal provider that I can always count on. Can I get an AMEN?

God is saying to me that I cannot (and will not) do this on my own. I do not have enough strength and power in the world to be successful in my own might. I need Jesus. I need Him to carry me. I need Him to provide for me. I need Him to lead me and guide me. I need Him to be my vision because sometimes everything is super blurry.

I am reminded that God is the God that gives, but God is also the God that takes away. God is calling this generation, these people, us, to trust in Him in some radical ways. Even when the world is turning upside down and we lose something crucial (like an income), God is asking us to put our faith in Him like we have our earthly fathers. And if your earthly father did not provide for you God is saying that’s okay because He is still going to move in your life.

So instead of running the other way and letting Satan get a hold of our thoughts and emotions when these trials come, we need to remember who our Father in Heaven is. He is not a one and done kind of God, but He is the eternal provider that longs to see us thrive. And when He does provide, we cannot forget Him. We must continue to praise Him, thank Him, and allow Him to move in our lives. Just because He gives us what we want does not mean we have the authority to do what we want.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4.19

Remember, “in the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, Jesus has overcome the world,” John 16.33. Trust my dear friends. Trust in the promise of our providing eternal Father.